10 Things Eating Disorder Clinicians Want Parents to Know About Their Child’s Eating Disorder
As outpatient clinicians, we work with a variety of individuals, including adolescents, which often means working with parents and/or caregivers, as well. We understand how challenging it can be to help your child navigate eating disorder treatment and recovery and support them through the process. Today, we want to share 10 things eating disorder clinicians want parents and/or caregivers to know about their child’s eating disorder.
10 Things to Know About Your Child’s Eating Disorder
The food is not the problem. So, saying ‘just eat food’ or some variation of it is unlikely to be effective. If it was as simple as eating food, your child would already be doing it. We refer to eating disorders as emotional management systems, meaning that, in order to manage/process/contain/experience emotions that feel overwhelming and intense, your child is using food as a means to cope/soothe/for control. While part of eating disorder treatment includes helping your child rebuild their relationship with food, it also includes addressing unmet needs, emotional dysregulation, adaptive coping tools, and more.
Avoid commenting on your child’s weight or appearance (and consider telling other family members/friends to avoid comments as well.). It is impossible to know how an individual will take a comment about their body, especially someone with an eating disorder, or with a history of disordered eating and body image struggles. Remember, bodies change throughout our lives for a variety of reasons. It’s normal! Complimenting or commenting on your child’s body can reinforce negative behaviors and thoughts around food and exercise. If you’re feeling confused about what you should/shouldn’t say, talk with your child’s treatment team. You can consider asking your child how the comments make them feel. This promotes communication, helps you understand their world, and allows them to share ways they want to be supported.
Avoid using bribes, rewards, or punishments to control eating behavior. Trying to externally control eating disorder behavior through bribery, punishment, or enticements—if it works at all—is only temporary. It also teaches your child to focus on external cues around eating, rather than internal cues. Additionally, your child might feel the need to sneak food.
Approach feelings from a place of curiosity and acceptance, rather than judgment. If your child has learned that certain feelings are unacceptable, they may turn to food to distract from or bury them. Many people who use food in this way describe it as having a numbing effect on them. Your child may feel they should hide their feelings and present as if everything is fine. Validating your child’s feelings and providing space for them to process is crucial. It can be as simple as saying things like:
‘That must be really difficult for you. Is there something I can do to support you?’
‘It sounds like the [feeling/emotion - ex. anxiety] you are experiencing feels really overwhelming. Can I do something to support you or suggest a coping tool to help lower the intensity?’
‘I’m noticing you seem a little [feeling/emotion - ex. sad] right now. Is everything okay? If it would be helpful, we can talk about it or I can sit with you?’
Going to a higher level of care one time is not a guaranteed ‘cure’ for your child. An eating disorder is something a person lives with for their lifetime. And, there is no way to guarantee that your child won’t have to attend a higher level of care again in the future. One of the goals of treatment is to help process past trauma and experiences, as well as give your child the tools they need to manage their eating disorder in the future. That said, ‘recovery’ and healing will look different for everyone.
It is not your child’s fault they have an eating disorder. Nor is it solely your fault. While there are a handful of factors that contribute to the development of eating disorders, living in an environment where there is emotional dysregulation, fighting, fragmented communication and more can help to fuel the eating disorder. It might feel to you that your child is engaging in other eating disorder behaviors or not eating on purpose. This might make you feel upset, frustrated, sad, and even angry. Those feelings are all valid, but expressing them directly to your child might cause more harm. Consider joining a support group for parents or working with your own therapist. Your feelings deserve to be felt and expressed.
Your child cannot heal alone. Putting sole responsibility on them for their recovery can add to their overwhelm. Just like treatment for eating disorders shows better outcomes with a multidisciplinary team of providers, your child needs a variety of support - peer and familial. Simply put, your child needs your support.
Imagine a home that is in disarray from a hurricane. Your child is the person contracted to rebuild the home. They have limited knowledge and skills for home rebuilding, but they are experts at demolition day projects. Now, imagine sending your child to rebuild the home in disarray from the hurricane, alone, in the middle of another hurricane. This is what recovery can feel like to your child. The treatment team can come alongside them and help equip them with knowledge and skills to rebuild the home, but the treatment team is only with your child a limited number of hours per week. In order to rebuild the home, not only do they need skills, they need support and they need the hurricane to subside. Parents and caregivers, this is where you come into play. You have the opportunity to tame the weather and provide additional support to your child as they navigate their recovery and healing.
Preparing for your child’s return home from a higher level of care is crucial. The best practice is to coordinate with the step-down in levels of care to ensure a smooth transition and continued support. Depending on the level of care, your child might be away from home for a few weeks/months at a time. While they might be excited to come home, know that the transition will not be easy. Difficult family dynamics prior to your child going into a higher level of care can make the transition home more challenging. Work with your child’s treatment team to discuss what the transition home can look like.
Educate yourselves about diet culture, eating disorders, and body image struggles. Bring questions to your treatment team, Google what you don’t know or what you want to learn more about, join a support group, explore your beliefs about your body and food, and do not feel like you need to know everything. It’s important to understand what is going on with your child and how you can best support them.
You deserve help as well. We understand that you are feeling A LOT of emotions with regard to your child’s eating disorder. And maybe you have difficulty regulating or expressing your emotions. Supporting your child through an eating disorder, while also living your life is difficult work. We highly recommend that parents and caregivers of our clients find their own therapist or support group.
Moving Forward
If you or your child is struggling with an eating disorder and you are looking for help, please reach out to our team via the contact form at the top of the page.
Collaborative Counseling & Nutrition is an outpatient nutrition and body image counseling center, with locations in Indianapolis and Carmel, that provides compassionate, holistic eating disorder treatment. Through practicing mindfulness, intuition, and Health At Every Size, we are on a mission to help you find a true state of well-being! We take an anti-diet, weight-inclusive approach with all our clients and work to help guide you towards a way of healthy living designed by you, just for you! This post is for education purposes only and should not be used as a substitute for treatment for an eating disorder. If you are looking for a registered dietitian or therapist to assist you on your recovery journey, please reach out today!
